WNBA Game Deemed “Unacceptable Use of Promo Budget”

Despite their mastery of the fundamentals, a WNBA game (pictured) was not deemed "glamorous" enough for clients of Logan & Hovells.

WASHINGTON — A young attorney in the nation’s capital became the poster child for a question facing many Biglaw attorneys: What is an acceptable use of the promotional budget given by large law firms to their lawyers?  According to one firm, a WNBA game does not qualify.

Chelsea Houlihan is a typical associate at megafirm Logan & Hovels.  A graduate of Williams College and magna cum laude from Harvard Law School, she took the opportunity at interesting work and healthy pay at a major firm within the Beltway.  When the third year associate submitted her planned promo budget for September, she ran into trouble.  The marketing department of Logan & Hovels declared in no uncertain terms that her centerpiece marketing event, to take place at a Washington Mystics game, did not meet the standards of an event the firm would want to be associated. Continue reading

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Under-Performing Law Schools Face Relegation

CHICAGO — The American Bar Association sent the law school world into a tizzy with the introduction of soccer-style relegation for under-performing institutions.  The organization claims the move will address concerns over the quality of legal education and benefit students.

To accommodate the controversial new program, the ABA announced a new partnership with the publishers of the popular U.S. News & World Report ranking of “Best Law Schools”.  The magazine will begin ranking the nation’s bottom-25 law schools and begin ranking the top-25 best paralegal programs in the country.

Under the system, institutions finishing in the bottom-10 slots of metrics used to rank law schools in the U.S. News will be forced to drop their J.D. programs and convert into paralegal programs. Conversely, the top-10 finishing ABA Approved Paralegal Education Programs will be permitted to elevate into J.D. programs. Continue reading

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Fans Reject J.K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Law School”

NEW YORK CITY — The magic touch of billionaire and once-beloved author J.K. Rowling seems to have run out.  Only days after its inglorious debut, piles of unsold copies of her new novel, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Law School, collect dust on the shelves at the Barnes & Noble at Union Square.  The situation has left many observers and fans asking: What happened?

“It was a bridge too far,” opines noted Potterologist James Freeman. “[Rowling] originally claimed she’d completed the story she set out to tell, the lure of additional riches and the desire to make Harry more contemporary took the characters in a direction the fans just were not ready to accept.”

In the new book, Harry Potter, having vanquished the forces of evil, searches for what to do next.  Not having clear direction, he decides to do like many a young man his age and enter law school Continue reading

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Medical Doctor Wishes He Stuck with Pre-Law

"Instead of saving babies like this I could be suing someone!"

ROCHESTER, MN — On paper, Doctor Henry R. Thornton seems to have a storybook life.  He graduated top of his class from the Duke University School of Medicine, did his residency at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, and finished his fellowship in pediatric cardiology at Texas Children’s Hospital in Houston.  He is now a noted surgeon at the Mayo Clinic and the happily married father of three children. Still, if you ask him what he thinks about most there is no hesitation:

“I really wish I’d stuck it out and become a lawyer,” Thornton sighed.  “Sure, it’s nice to see all the children whose lives I’ve saved, but it just doesn’t feel quite as fulfilling.” Continue reading

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2L Phenom Leaves Early, Enters ABA Draft

ANN ARBOR, MI — Joey Tatum, star student on the Michigan Law School ’12 team, has decided to forgo his 3L year by entering the American Bar Association Draft this Fall.  Tatum made his announcement at a press conference Wednesday afternoon.

“It was a difficult decision,” stated Tatum, flanked by his parents and new agent Phil Rosenbaum, “I’ve really enjoyed by time at U-M.  The Profs have been great, and so have my classmates –but after considering my options, my mounting school debts, and speaking with my parents, I’ve decided to forgo my final year of eligibility and bring my talents to the ABA.”  Continue reading

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Elvis Found Alive, Serving on Supreme Court of Guam

Justice Presley's portrait at the Supreme Court of Guam

HAGATNA, Guam — The musical world is all shook up by the revelation that the “King of Rock and Roll”, Elvis Presley, is still alive and sitting on the bench of the Supreme Court of Guam.  Serving for the past 34 years, the former singer so successfully crafted his new life that he avoided notice by fans, reporters and jurists until now.

Appointed by Governor Ricardo Bordallo in 1977, Justice Presley’s initially did not plan on misleading fans into thinking he died.  However, as he tried to find a way to break the news to the public, a chance set of circumstances set the wheels in motion and the Justice saw an opportunity for a clean slate. Continue reading

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Online CLE Participant Accidentally Flashes Entire Class

CYBERSPACE — Participants in an online class on corporate taxation received far more than they bargained for when one of the students inadvertently flashed the entire class during the scheduled questions and answer period.  The incident sparked a discussion over the use of video chat in continuing legal education (CLE).

The course, “Recent Issues in Corporate Taxation”, is offered to attorneys looking to meet their CLE requirements and maintain their license.  As the class date was close to the license renewal deadline for several states, including California and Texas, the enrollment was higher than normal.  At the time of the incident, the number of logged in viewers was 2,319, excluding the moderator and five panelists and moderator, which included noted corporate tax expert and Harvard Law Professor Michael K. Lepow.

“To be fair, this was an online CLE”, pointed out participant and corporate attorney James McIntyre, “so perhaps only a several hundred people were paying serious attention to the screen when it happened.”

The attorney who flashed the audience, identified as Continue reading

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Forget Dylan: Lawyers and Judges Using Contemporary Song Lyrics

The new face of jurisprudence?

Reports that Bob Dylan’s song lyrics are the most quoted in judicial opinions and briefs have inspired a new generation of lawyers and judges to broaden the law’s lyrical oeuvre with their own selections –to varying results.

Charles Grant, professor of law at Baylor University, studied the phenomenon since its outbreak and sees an opening of the floodgates: “While it’s true that, in the past, judges and lawyers have quoted song lyrics to make points and add levity to otherwise dry writing, something about the announcement of Dylan’s status [as the most quoted] sparked an unknown, untapped passion in many legal professionals.”

Within a week of the Dylan report, over half the decisions rendered at the state and federal level include song lyrics. These selections range from contemporary choices like Brittney Spears and Radiohead to classical pieces like Johann Strauss’ opera, “Die Fledermaus”. Continue reading

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“Associate Gladiators” gets Big Ratings on truTV

NEW YORK CITY — The battle for prime associate positions at a prestigious Manhattan law firm has proven to be a ratings darling for cable television network truTV.  In “Associate Gladiators,” incoming young attorneys compete against each other in physical and mental events for full time associate jobs at noted corporate firm Black & Satchel.

The ratings bonanza allowed truTV to post better than expected profits for the fiscal year.  Network executive James Smith could not hide his giddiness: “Who knew there was money in watching associates clobber each other?  There’s something about watching over-feted people in suits try climb a rock wall slathered in bacon grease that gives audiences a sense of catharsis.” Continue reading

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Inter-Firm Hijinks Escalate with Fake Job Postings

The Ideal Candidate

SALT LAKE CITY — Inter-firm pranks between major SLC law firms escalated into fake job postings last week.  Unknown individuals, presumed to be from the firms involved, have posted ridiculous, embarrassing or impossible employment opportunities for each other’s firms on popular job sites.

The opening salvo arrived early last week when Monster.com listed a new position at prestigious downtown firm James & Young.  Listed as “Executive Gofer”, the position demanded an attorney with five-to-ten years of litigation experience to “deliver dry cleaning, pick up coffee, buy anniversary gifts” and “generally serve the beck and call” of managing partner Arthur Young. Continue reading

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